Date: Sun, 11 Aug 1996 12:34:57 -0600 From: Sarah Baker I've been writing Fan Fic for years, but have never shared it before. So here goes... This is my answer to "What happened after AMPH?" Comments are appreciated. Disclaimer: Nick and Nat are being borrowed for a few moments from TPTB at Forever Knight. ***************************************** Talk to Me (1/3) by Sarah Baker zeke@rt66.com It had been three weeks since the great meteor scare. =20 Three weeks since Natalie stunned Nick with her =91I don't=20 know what I want anymore' statement and walked out of the=20 station. It had been a long three weeks. Nick was still=20 at a loss to understand her statement. He slid open the=20 door to the loft and walked in without taking his eyes=20 from the floor. He shed his coat and walked instinctively=20 to the refrigerator. What was she thinking? Why wouldn't=20 she talk to him or look him in the eye? Her answers to his=20 questions at work were very businesslike - very cold. What=20 could he do to get things back to normal? He drank from the=20 bottle without thinking about it. Carrying the bottle with=20 him he flopped on the sofa and took another swig. =20 Whatever Natalie's thoughts, he knew from the sound of her=20 voice and look on her face that morning that she was serious=20 and very upset. He had thought that a little time to herself=20 would be all she needed. She always seemed to come around on=20 her own before. But this time it wasn't working. He had given=20 her time and she wasn't coming around. In fact, he thought, she=20 seems to be getting worse. Maybe the brush with death - the=20 exposure to the younger vampire - had effected her more that=20 he realized. =91Or maybe she is afraid of me now. Maybe seeing=20 me as she did that night has made her afraid.' The thought sent=20 a shiver through him. He put the bottle down on the coffee table and stood up. He had to talk to her. He had to make her understand that he=20 wasn't like Spark, or, at least, that he wasn't anymore. He had=20 to find out where he stood with her, to find out if there was any=20 hope left. Not knowing was too much to handle. The thought of=20 losing her - the woman he loved and his best friend - was draining=20 him. He looked at the clock. Good. Two more hours until sunrise. He=20 was suddenly thankful it was winter. With determination, he headed=20 for the door, grabbing his coat on the way out. He was in too much=20 of a hurry to drive. He had to talk to her right now. Overcome with=20 a sense of mission, he took to the air. *************** Natalie turned the stove on under the tea kettle. She watched the=20 blue flame licking the bottom of the kettle, absorbed by the motion. =20 She enjoyed the heat it produced and held her hands close to the kettle. = =20 She stared at the flame and thought of Nick. How could he deny her=20 request to bring her across? Did he really not share the feelings=20 she had for him? How could he leave her alone after that horrible=20 night in this apartment? She remembered feeling the weight of Spark=20 on top of her, hearing his voice in her head, wishing for Nick to=20 save her... A meow from the floor and the warm fur rubbing against her leg brought=20 Natalie back to the present. As she looked down to smile at Sydney, she=20 realized she was smiling through tears. "Damn. I just need to quit=20 thinking about him." She pulled her robe closer around her neck to fight= =20 the cold and poured the steaming water into the mug.=20 "OK, Sidney, let's go sit on the sofa. We'll either have a good talk,=20 or a good cry together." End part 1. Talk to Me (2/3) by Sarah Baker zeke@rt66.com As Nick stood before Natalie's door, he suddenly realized=20 he should probably have called first, but he couldn't take=20 the chance of her refusing to see him. He listened through=20 the door. He could hear her heartbeat, and hear her talking=20 softly to Sidney. =91They must be sitting on the sofa together. =20 At least she hasn't gone to bed yet.' Taking a deep breath=20 he knocked on her door. He heard her walking to the door=20 and realized his heart was starting to beat with anticipation. =20 It made him slightly light-headed and he held onto the door=20 frame to steady himself. She had stopped at the door. "Who is it?" she asked.=20 "It's me. Nick. Please let me in, Nat. I to talk=20 to you." The door opened slightly and Natalie peeked out. Nick could=20 see that her eyes were red as was her nose. She had been crying. =20 A twinge of pain shot through him as he realized he was probably=20 the reason for her sadness. "What do you want? Couldn't this wait until tomorrow? It's=20 late and I'm getting ready for bed." Her voice was a whisper. He leaned closer to the door. "No, Natalie, it can't wait. =20 I need to talk to you. Will you let me in?" =91Hell, he could certainly get in if he wanted to anyway,' she=20 thought to herself. =91And he's not going away.' She turned and walked to the sofa leaving the door open. As she walked, she=20 wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her robe. After hesitating for a moment, Nick followed her in and quietly=20 closed the door behind him. He stopped in front of her and=20 watched as she sat back down on the sofa and pulled her legs up=20 under herself. She picked up her mug and sipped her tea, holding=20 it in both hands. She didn't look up at him as she spoke. "OK. You're in. What do you want?" He watched her movements. Her beautiful hair was hiding her=20 face from him. She looked so cozy and warm in the oversized robe. =20 He wanted to grab her and hug her and make her understand how=20 much she was hurting him. To make her understand how much he=20 cared. To kiss her tears away and smell her close to him. He=20 closed his eyes for a second lost in the thought of her close. =20 Then he opened them again and thought, =91Don't screw this up. =20 This is the chance you've wanted. Talk to her.' He knelt in=20 front of her with a hand to each side of her on the sofa. He=20 had to hold her in place until she listened. Studying her face,=20 he suddenly couldn't decide what to say .. or what not to say. =20 He wanted to tell her everything, but didn't want to push her=20 further away. She turned to face him and found him staring at her. =91God, he=20 looks so knightly like that,' Natalie thought. She felt a knot=20 in the pit of her stomach. She wanted to throw her arms around=20 him and kiss him with her whole being. She wanted to reach out=20 and punch him as hard as she could. She didn't know which she=20 wanted more. She felt tears welling up in her eyes again. =91Damn.'=20 "What do you want, Nick?" =91You. I want you. I want all of you.' He wanted so badly to=20 tell her. "I miss you, Nat. I can't stand the way things are. =20 I need to know..." "To know what?" she choked back a sob and swallowed hard. "I need to know what you're feeling. I need to know how you feel=20 about me... about us." He watched the tears forming in her eyes=20 and felt another shot of pain. Why couldn't he just leave her=20 alone and let her get over her pain? Why did he need her so badly? =20 It wasn't just the search for a cure. It may have been at first,=20 but it wasn't anymore. =20 "Right." Nick watched as Natalie's face was overcome with anger.=20 "You want to know how feeling. You want to know everything=20 about me. You expect me to bare my soul to you while you hold=20 yourself at arm's length." Her voice was rising in volume. "You=20 want me to give you everything but not expect the same, is that it??" Her anger surprised him and pushed him back to his heels. He sat=20 on the floor and looked up at her. The anger disappeared from her=20 face and was replaced by anguish as the tears rolled down her cheeks. =20 "Natalie, I don't understand." He dropped his gaze to the floor. =20 He was hurting her and he didn't know how to stop it. Natalie jerked her feet to the floor and slammed her mug onto the=20 coffee table. "Dammit!" She held her face in her hands for a second,=20 then took a deep breath and wiped her eyes with her sleeve again. =20 She spoke to him calmly. =20 "Look, Nick, I don't know how to explain it to you. I feel like=20 I've shared the very depth of my soul with you and you've pushed=20 me away. I feel like you're playing with me. One minute you pull=20 me to you and the next you push me away. How can there be any =91us'=20 when the =91us' is always ?" =20 He looked into her eyes and she saw the pain on his face. There=20 was something else. Was it fear? "Natalie, I want to share myself with you, but I'm afraid to." He=20 gently picked up her left hand in both of his. "There is so much=20 about me that I want to tell you, but I'm afraid you'll hate me=20 for it. I'm afraid you hate me now. You saw me ... recently ..=20 in a state that I've never wanted you to see me in. I wouldn't=20 blame you if you told me you never wanted to see me again." He was=20 talking to her hand now. He pulled it closer to his face and smelled=20 her essence on her fingers. He gently rubbed her hand against the=20 side of his face. He felt passion starting to rise in him as he=20 kissed her fingers. He closed his eyes and thought of the taste=20 of her skin. The night he had kissed her neck at Azure. The night=20 he had come so close to possessing her. The temptation of tasting=20 her blood that he knew would be so sweet. He felt the warmth starting=20 to rise in him as he pressed her fingers harder to his lips. =91No. Stop.= '=20 The horror of what he was doing suddenly hit him. He knew he couldn't=20 open his eyes and let her see the glow of them. He held her hand away=20 from him and waited until the beast was pushed back into hiding. =20 She watched the struggle on his face, her fingers still tingling=20 from his touch. He held her hand harder than he should, and then=20 dropped it and stood up. He turned his back to her and put his hands=20 in the pockets of his coat. She suddenly realized that he was=20 fighting with himself. "I don't want you to leave, Nick. I... care about you. Honestly,=20 I've missed your friendship, too. I just have a lot of things to=20 work out, and I can't do it alone." She tucked her feet back under=20 her and patted the sofa near her. "Nick, take your coat off and come=20 sit down."=20 Nick took a deep breath and peeled off his coat. Throwing it over=20 the back of a chair, he sat next to her and folded his hands in his=20 lap. He looked at her as she pulled her hair back and also took a=20 deep breath. He was relieved to see that her tears had stopped and=20 she looked more calm. "Nick, you reacted with such horror when I asked you to bring me=20 across. It hurt. I know you've told me that being a vampire is a=20 sentence in hell, but I don't understand. I've seen you have tough=20 times. I remember the night at the Raven after the problems you=20 had with the twelve step program. But you got over it." =20 She reached over to touch his shoulder as she spoke.=20 "We've had good times together, haven't we? How can your life=20 be as terrible as you say it is? Make me understand. That's what=20 I need. Owww!"=20 She jumped as Sidney landed on her bare knee. Getting over the=20 surprise and momentary pain of the claw tearing skin, she pulled=20 Sidney to her lap and looked back at Nick. He was looking at the=20 drop of blood welling up on her knee. There was pain, or was that=20 hunger, on his face as the tip of his tongue touched his bottom lip. =20 Natalie felt herself blush as she pulled her robe over the fresh=20 wound. But it was too late for Nick. He could smell the fresh blood ...=20 her blood. He felt the beast fighting to rise again. He closed=20 his eyes and tried to think about ... French fries. It worked. =20 The churning of his stomach drove the vampire away again. He=20 smiled at Natalie. =20 "I think I understand what you want. But I can't do it=20 here .. now. I need a drink."=20 He wished he had finished off the bottle that he left on his=20 coffee table. Nick reached out to touch her shoulder.=20 "Nat, come spend the day with me in the loft. We'll talk as=20 much as you want. Please say you will." He smiled into her eyes. She couldn't resist that smile. She knew he was trying, that=20 he really wanted to make things alright. =20 "OK. I'll change and meet you downstairs. Is the Caddie out front?" =09 His smile turned to a sheepish grin. "Well.. uh.. no. I=20 flew over." He suddenly thought to look at his watch.=20 "And I'd better head back now. Promise you'll come over,"=20 he pleaded.=20 "I promise." =91Although it'll take me longer to get there=20 than it will you,' she added to herself. =09 He got up quickly, grabbed his coat, and headed out the=20 door as he slipped the coat on. End part 2. Talk to Me (3/3) by Sarah Baker zeke@rt66.com In the loft, Nick downed the rest of the first bottle and started another. He needed to recharge before Natalie arrived. He felt the blood calming the vampire and was relieved. He paced in front of the fireplace trying to decide what he would tell her. How much could she handle? How much could he bare to tell her? He heard her car pulling up in front and was very happy that she had done as she said she would. He took one more gulp from the bottle as he closed the blinds, and placed the unused portion of the bottle back in the refrigerator. Then he took a deep breath and waited for Natalie to appear. She walked into the loft slowly and looked around. It felt like a year since she'd been here. He was waiting, smiling at her. She couldn't help but smile back as she took off her coat and draped it over the back of a chair. Natalie had changed into blue jeans and an oversized tan sweater. The color looked great with her brown hair. 'Maybe I should have finished off the second bottle,' Nick thought to himself. He went to where she stood and took her hand. "I'm really glad you're here," he smiled as he led her to the sofa. "Do you want something? Some hot chocolate?" "You have hot chocolate?" she asked in mild disbelief. "Yes. I was hoping you'd stop by. I also have tea and coffee. Which would you prefer?" She smiled to herself. "Actually, I could use something a little stronger." "Red or white?" Nick walked to the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of burgundy. "It's not supposed to be refrigerated, you know." They both laughed at the reference to Schanke's comment. Nick leaned back against the cabinet. "It's good to see you laugh, Nat. I've wanted to see that for a long time." Natalie made herself more comfortable on the sofa, resting her arm along the back. "Well, yeh, I've needed to laugh for a while." She looked down and picked at her jeans. Nick poured the wine in a goblet and brought it to her. He sat next to her, facing her. "So where do we start?" "I'm not sure. You've told me stories about your past, but you always seem to leave something out. What is it you're leaving out, Nick?" Nick looked down at the sofa and picked at an imaginary thread. "Natalie, I'm 800 years old. I have a lot of past that isn't very pleasant. It makes sick to think about it. I can't imagine what it would sound like to you." He turned slightly away from her and rested his head on the back of the sofa to stare at the ceiling. Natalie reached over to touch his hair. She gently stroked the blond curls and watched his face closely. "Nick," she hesitated a moment. "I know that you want to be mortal now .. That you've wanted it for some time. I also know that you didn't always want it. You can tell me about it. What was it like for you before?" Nick turned his head and looked deeply into her eyes. He knew that she seriously wanted to know. He just wasn't sure how to tell her. He had never shared this much of himself with a mortal before. He wished he could just give her his blood and let her understand without words. It would be so much easier - less painful. Well, this was part of the mortality that he so desperately wanted. He guessed that he had better start trying now. "You know this isn't easy for me," he winced. "I've never about this with .. anyone." "Anyone human, you mean." ''Anyone, Nat. I've never about it." "Well, if we are going to be .. friends.. you have to be able to talk to me about anything. It's been a long time since women were from the truth," she said with a note of sarcasm. "A long time for you, maybe. It was yesterday for me." She was startled by the thought. Natalie knew how old Nick was, but it was hard to really understand what that meant. She flashed on a picture from an elementary school history book of a knight in armor jousting from the back of a white steed. 'My God', she thought to herself, 'that could have been Nick.' He watched the puzzled look overcome her. "What is it?" "Did you ever joust?" she asked. He laughed quietly. "Not much." Her expression became serious again. "What is it really like, being a vampire?" Nick turned his head away again and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and started. "The worst part is the thirst. It starts from the moment you awake as a vampire and becomes your whole reason for existence. Every action centers around quenching the thirst." With a huge knife, Nick tore open his soul and let it all spill out. Natalie listened in horror and awe as he told her of his first kill, of the pleasure of killing. He told her of the years he spent hunting for the sport of it. The years with LaCroix and Janette. He told her about Janette, but held back the parts he knew she wouldn't understand as a mortal. He told her about his life before LaCroix, about his childhood and the Crusades. The more he told her, the easier it became. She asked him questions that he tried his best to answer honestly. He couldn't tell her about how it was to drink the blood - to taste the other's soul. He had to keep some of his thoughts from her, because they were his secrets from the world. But he shared so much and watched her face as he talked. He winced we he saw horror, but continued at her insistence. Finally, he felt the flow stop as the exhaustion overcame him. He fell back onto the sofa and closed his eyes. Natalie suddenly felt so small. He had seen so much. A horrible thought crept into her brain. "Nick, with all that you've seen and done, how could you possibly care about me? I must seem so insignificant to you... so young." Nick bolted up to look at her. He grabbed her hands and stared into her eyes. "Natalie, I've known anyone like you. You are the most important person in the world to me. You are very special." He smiled and stroked her face. "I certainly wouldn't have done this for anyone else!" "And now, need a drink. You want a refill?" he asked as he got up from the sofa. "Sure." Natalie had forgotten about her wine and downed the last warm swallow. It was very good wine, probably very expensive. She got up and turned on Nick's stereo, then followed him into the kitchen. He looked at her apologetically as he filled a glass. "I'm sorry, Nat, but I really this right now." "Yes. I think I understand." The sounds of violins from some slow classical song wafted into the kitchen. Natalie didn't recognize the piece, but closed her eyes to enjoy the sounds. "You know, Nick, you are attractive when you're mysterious." She opened her eyes to catch his surprised and embarrassed look. "But you're even more attractive when you're less of a mystery." She smiled at him, her eyes thick with tiredness. He put his glass down and gently put his arms around her. She held her glass out with one hand and put the other around his waist. She put her head against his chest and enjoyed the feel of him close to her. As they embraced gently, the sounds of music began to pull at both of them. Nick rocked gently as Natalie followed his movements. He loved having her so close and enjoyed the sound of her heart beating against him. He smelled her hair and rubbed his face against it. His arms held her tighter as he stepped back against the counter. She smiled up at him as he hesitantly reached down to kiss her lips. He pulled his head back to look her in the eyes. "After all I've told you, you're not afraid of me?" he asked incredulously. "No." She smiled up at him and leaned her body against him. "I trust you." She reached for another kiss. He kissed her back, letting the passion overtake him. He enjoyed the taste of her mouth with the slightest hint of wine, until he felt the beast rising again. I low growl escaped his throat as he pulled himself away from her. He grabbed her shoulders and straightened his arms as he closed his eyes and dropped his head. She watched him fight to regain control. Natalie felt the pain of wanting him and the guilt of putting him through this. "I'm sorry, Nick. I didn't mean to..." "No." He shook his head and opened his eyes to smile at her. "You're right about me holding you at arms length, but only when I have to." He quickly kissed the top of her head and reached for his glass. "Come on, lets watch TV. I think I'm all talked out." He pulled her by the hand back to the sofa. Nick turned on the TV and sipped from his glass as he sat with his arm around Natalie. She relaxed in his arm and, for the first time in weeks, felt like sleeping. It felt good. When he finished his drink, he put the glass on the table and rested his head on hers. Her steady breathing pushed him into sleep. He dreamt of dancing with his arms around her, listening to her heart, letting his fangs slowly pierce her flesh and tasting the passion in her blood. THE END