Date: Tue, 22 Aug 1995 22:05:26 -0400 From: Catherine A Siemann Subject: I've Got A Crush on You (1/1) Well, a week or more ago there was some talk on both FORKNI-L and FKSPOILR about our heroes showing up on Ricki Lake, to discuss Nick's inability to decide between Nat and Janette. This was already sitting in my backlog of things I was working my nerve up to post on the list. I approached it from a slightly different, somewhat sillier, angle . . . Comments and flames to cas47@columbia.edu * * * * * * * * * Wherein our heroes find themselves talking about things they never will or would talk about, in front of a broadcast audience they could otherwise only dream of . . . Today on RICKI LAKE . . . "I've Got A CRUSH On You!" [by Catherine Siemann, cas47@columbia.edu] RICKI: Next up, we have Don, Natalie and Nick. The three of them work together, and Don says that his friend Natalie is in love with his partner, Nick. As a happily married man himself, Don wants to play Cupid to his two deserving buddies. So let's give a big hand to Don and Natalie! [Schanke and Nat enter, to audience applause and cheers] RICKI: So, Don, you think your friend Natalie has a soft spot for your co-worker, Nick, and you *also* think that it's mutual. SCHANKE: That's right, Ricki. They're always makin' googoo eyes at each other when they think I'm not looking, they spend a lotta time together, and . . . well, frankly, they both work nights, so it's not like they're gonna meet a whole lotta other people. I don't understand why they don't just get it together. RICKI: So you brought them here today to confront them on national television? SCHANKE: Yeah, well, Nick tends to be kind of elusive, I thought this way he couldn't wriggle his way out of anything. . . . [Audience laughter.] RICKI: Okay, audience, are we ready to hear from Natalie? [Audience applause and cheers.] NAT: Well, Ricki, I'm not sure this is such a good idea. I mean, Nick and I are really close, and maybe we'd be together if we could, but . . . there are some problems that Schank -- I mean, Don, doesn't know about. RICKI: Do you believe that, audience? [Audience boos.] Audience Member #1 [hereinafter, AM#_]: Why don't you just tell him how you feel? What's the worst thing that could happen? NAT: You'd be surprised. AM#2: You're a beautiful girl. You could get someone else. NAT: Er. . . thank you. RICKI: Well, audience, there you have it. Now let's bring out Nick. Nick doesn't know why he's here today. He thinks it's a program about police procedurals -- he and Don are detectives in a large Canadian city. [Nick enters, to audience cheers] RICKI: My, he's handsome. Welcome to the Ricki Lake Show, Nick. Do you know why you're here? NICK: To talk about a couple of interesting homicides that the three of us have worked on in the past year. [Audience laughter] RICKI: Well, Don said he didn't think you'd ever heard of the Ricki Lake Show before. Surprise, Nick, you've been ambushed! [Audience cheers] Why don't you ask him, Don? SCHANKE: Okay, Ricki. Well, Nick, I wanna know why you and Natalie here are not an item? [Nat blushes and leans over to apologize to Nick, who turns even paler than usual, if that's possible] NICK: [Angry, but controlled] Well, Schank, Ricki, other than commenting that I'm not used to sharing my private life with millions of viewers, I'm not sure what *to* say. It's pretty clear to everyone who knows us that Nat and I are very close friends, and that we have . . . feelings for each other. So if we're not . . . involved . . . it might just be for a good reason. Maybe there are circumstances you don't know about that are preventing us from being together. . . . RICKI: Well, let's see what our audience has to say! AM#3: If you like her, just ask her out. You can work out any problem. Love always finds a way. NICK: I don't think you quite understand. AM#4: Natalie, you should dump him. He's just doggin' you. If he wanted to be with you , he *would* be with you. NAT: Well, um, see. . . RICKI: Well, there's one other person here tonight who might be able to shed some light on the subject. [Nick winces] Please welcome Nick's old girlfriend, Janette. [Janette enters to audience "other woman" boos] RICKI: Welcome to the show, Janette. So, I understand you and Nick used to be involved. JANETTE: Yes, Nicolas and I were together for many years. I eventually left him because he was too possessive. I have often regretted it since, but . . . what is done, is done. RICKI: How long ago did you break up? JANETTE: [Absentmindedly] Oh, the fourteenth century. RICKI: Excuse me, but did you just say the fourteenth century? NICK: Oh, that's just a figure of speech. JANETTE: [realizing her blunder] Yes, yes. It just *seems* like centuries ago because we have been such very good friends since. RICKI: But we understand you've been acting like more than friends recently? NICK & JANETTE: [look at each other] Well . . . yes . . . but . . . [Audience boos wildly] NAT: Nick! I can't believe it! You've gone back to Janette, after all the progress we were making! NICK: [upset] Well, no, yes, well . . . [his anger hits] Thanks a lot, Schank! All the things we never talk about, broadcast for all the world to see! [Nat bursts into tears] NICK: OKAY! This is it!! I can't stand any more lies. Schank, do you remember when you thought I was a vampire? SCHANKE: Yeah, but I realize how ridiculous it was. NICK: [jumps to his feet] No, it wasn't. I AM a vampire. I am a blood-drinking, undead, creature of darkness. Got it, Schank? That's why I work nights! I am a vampire! And so's Janette. SCHANKE: Gee, you think you know a guy. . . . NICK: And that's why it's not safe for me to get involved with Natalie, whom I love. And why things are . . . easier, with Janette. JANETTE: Easier? EASIER?? So you admit that you are just using me, Nicolas? All these centuries of love and friendship and you are thinking of *her* every time we are together! NAT: [to Schanke] This is all your fault! [Nat is crying and pounding her fists against Schanke who keeps mouthing silently "a vampire? a vampire?", while Janette and Nick circle each other, eyes blazing and fangs bared . . . . ] RICKI: People, people! Please stop yelling and hitting and . . . whatever it is you two are doing. I think we have time for one more question before we go to a commercial. You sir, in the black. AM #5, aka LACROIX: Clearly, there are no such things as vampires, are there, Ricki? RICKI: [spellbound] Clearly, there are no such things as vampires, are there, audience? AUDIENCE: [ditto] No such thing as vampires! LACROIX: Your guests are clearly in need of counseling, that is all. RICKI: They need counseling. AUDIENCE: They need help! LACROIX: Obviously, we should all go home and forget this ever happened. RICKI: Forget this ever happened. AUDIENCE: When does the show start? LACROIX: It would be very disturbing to their families if this program ever aired, wouldn't it, Ricki? RICKI: Camera crew, destroy your tapes! [The screen goes blank]