Subject: Bring Me The Head Of Bob The Muse (1/1) Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2000 20:59:14 -0800 From: "Tiffiney A. Petherbridge" Organization: ChickMail (http://www.chickmail.com:80) To: FKFIC-L@LISTS.PSU.EDU Yeah, I've done it again. I wrote another weird story at work, and here I am, posting it. I sometimes wonder if I should actually do what I'm paid to do at work... nah, writing is much more fun. Disclaimers: All the FK characters used in this tale of mystery and intrigue do not belong to me. I'm just using them for my own non-profit, uninfringing purposes. The real people mentioned have given me permission to use them. They, too, do not belong to me. Their souls and mine all have been attained by Bill Gates and Microsoft, in a merger with God and Heaven. Permissions: Yeah, this can be archived at the FK Fanfic Site, the FTP Site, and any DNP archive that may or may not exist at this moment in time. ========================= "Bring Me The Head Of Bob The Muse" (1/1) by Evil Cousin Tiff (January 2000) ========================= "Jeez, Tiff. Who'd you kill?" Kate asked as she entered Tiff's room in the Dark NatPack Headquarters. Tiff was standing over what looked like a dead body, just staring at it. "I didn't kill anybody. I found him here like this," Tiff replied, as Kate walked over and started to stare down at the body lying in the middle of the Evil Cousin's bedroom. "Is he dead?" Kate asked. She started poking him with her foot to see if he'd move at all. He didn't. "I think so. I checked his pulse and I couldn't find one. Plus the body's getting cold." Kate and Tiff stood there, just staring at the dead body. Judy, who had just been happening by on her way to her room, noticed the two younger fiction heroes standing in the middle of the room. "Hey, what you two up to?" She asked. Then she saw the body. "Jeez, Tiff. Who'd you kill?" "I didn't kill anybody!" Tiff squeaked, in defense. "Oh, okay. So who died on your floor, Tiff?" "I think it's Bob." "Who's Bob?" Judy and Kate asked simultaneously. "My muse." "That can't be good," Kate stated. "Yeah, I know... my muse is dead." Tiff paused for a moment, then continued with, "Today sucks." "Do you think we ought to call Natalie?" Judy asked. "Why?" Tiff asked. "This isn't the first dead body that's mysteriously appeared in the bedroom of a Dark NatPacker." "Uh, Tiff," Kate retorted, "actually, this is the first dead body to mysteriously appear in the bedroom of a Dark NatPacker." "It is?" "Yeah." Both Kate and Judy nodded their heads. "I really have got to stop spending so much time at the Dark Perk Mansion." "So what? We call Nat upstairs?" Kate asked. "I guess so." Kate, stepping over Bob's lifeless corpse, grabbed Tiff's phone, and dialed upstairs for everyone's favorite medical examiner. "Yeah, yeah, bed and breakfast... Listen, Nat, it's Kate downstairs.... Yeah, we've got a little problem. Yeah Tiff killed--" "I DIDN'T KILL BOB!!!" "Er, uh, Tiff found Bob's body on her floor. Uh-huh... Okay. So you'll be down in a few minutes? Okay. Yeah, we're in Tiff's room. All right. See you, bye." Kate turned off Tiff's cordless and tossed it onto the Evil Cousin's bed. Then stepped back over Bob's body to where she was originally standing and said, "Nat will be done in a minute." Kate on the left, Tiff on the right, Judy at the feet. They were mesmerized by the lifeless lump of flesh taking up space on the hard wood. They were so mesmerized, in fact, they didn't even notice when Nat entered and stood at Bob's head. She looked down and said, "So, this is Bob, the muse?" "Yep," the other three said in unison, not seeming the slightest bit startled by Nat's unnoticed entrance. "What are we going to do with him?" Tiff asked. What were they going to do? Bob was a muse, a bit of Tiff's creative side, and now he was lying dead on her bedroom floor. And she couldn't even ask the authorities to help for two reasons. 1. He was in fact imaginary, so real cops would just laugh in her face. 2. If she asked for Tracy and Nick's help, she knew that Nick would find a way to blame himself for the death of the inspirational figure. (Sure he was overweight, balding, and a drunk... but he was still inspirational.) The last thing anyone needed was Nick angsting even more than usual. "Do you think he'll turn into a zombie?" Kate asked. Judy and Tiff shrugged, then looked up at Nat for an answer. "What are you looking at me for? I don't know anything about a muse's chance of being living dead. I'm just a coroner. You three are the writers, you should know these things," Natalie said in response to the three onlookers. "Well," Judy figured, "if we don't know if he'll rise again, I say we play it say an incinerate him." "Yeah," Kate and Natalie agreed. "What?!? You can't cremate my muse!" Tiff protested. "Why not?" Judy asked. "What do you mean 'why not'? He's my muse. My inspiration. The guy that gives me all my snazzy-keen fic ideas." "He's the one responsible for the sudden influx of Tracy stories you've been writing?" Natalie asked. "Yeah." "Burn him!" Natalie, Judy, and Kate started lifting up Bob's corpse. "No!" Tiff protested some more. They dropped the body with a thud. "I don't want him to be cremated... he's my muse, dammit. And Nat, I'll have you know I managed to have you as a major character in most of the fics I've written as of late, too. So don't go hating Bob." The three crematerrorists thought about the situation for a moment. How could they get Tiff to let them turn Bob's body to dust? Then it hit Natalie like a brick. "Tiff..." She teased. "What?" Tiff responded, her arms crossed and her facial expression that of a stubborn child. "If you let us cremate Bob, we'll get you a puppy..." Tiff, trying not to look too interested in the idea of a puppy, looked up. "A puppy you say?" Natalie could tell her bribe would work. "Yes, a Pit Bull, or a German Shepherd. It could be the official dog of the Dark NatPack." Kate and Judy, in addition to Tiff, liked the idea of a dog, as well. Tiff thought about it a moment. Cute dog or bald, over-weight, alcoholic dead muse? Hmmmm... Bob had inspired Tiff oh, so many times... Oh, but puppies were so cute and fun to play with!!! Not to mention the benefits of having a dog in the HQ to warn them against intruders and what not. And she could always get another muse... Tiff thought some more, and finally came to her conclusion. "Bob is fire wood," she stated. The other three woman were thrilled. The four of them leaned down to lift the heavy imaginary man. It was easier with Tiff's help, than it had been before, but it was still hard to lift all the dead weight. Bob had to be 250 pounds-at least. The started to move him towards the door. Unexpectedly, the lifeless corpse seemed to spring to life, as it started to have a hacking coughing fit. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The four woman screamed. They dropped the body with a thud again. Bob sat up, rubbing the back of his head. "Ouch! What'd you do that for?" "You... you were dead!" Judy exclaimed. "What?!? I'm not dead. I guess I fell to sleep, that's all." "But you had no pulse," Tiff stated. "I'm imaginary, Tiff. Of course I don't have a pulse." "And your body, it was cold," Kate continued. "Yeah, I know. It's freezing in here. Don't you girls know it's winter? Turn the heat up!" Tiff walked over and turned the thermostat up on her wall. "So you're not a zombie?" Natalie asked. "No," Bob, the muse answered, "I guess I just fell asleep on Tiff's floor. I'm sorry, won't happen again." "Damn," Nat whispered under her breath. That damn muse, and his stupid Tracy plots. Tiff, as the Dark NatPack leader should be writing more Nat fic. Natalie decided she was going to have to have a "private talk" with Bob about that, later. Tiff looked at the now-living Bob standing up and brushing himself off. Disappointment shown in her eyes. "Does this mean no puppy?" She asked. "I'm afraid so," Natalie said, walking out of the Evil Cousin's room. Judy soon followed, patting Tiff on the shoulder. Kate wasn't far after, stating she had errands to run, and also patted Tiff on the shoulder for the whole no-puppy thing. Tiff looked at Bob, who was making himself comfortable in her desk chair, lighting a cigarette. Tiff walked over to her bed, took in a deep sigh, and plopped all her weight onto her bed. "Something wrong?" Bob asked. "Yeah, you didn't stay dead," Tiff replied, throwing a pillow at her muse. --- The End Send all feedback, puppies, and musings to gugenhoffen@chickmail.com or eviltiff@webcity.ca. =D *********************************** chickclick.com http://www.chickclick.com girl sites that don't fake it. http://www.chickmail.com sign up for your free email. http://www.chickshops.com boutique shopping from chickclick.com ***********************************