Subject: Honesty Part 1/3 Date: Tue, 7 Oct 2003 12:00:09 -0700 From: K M Fife To: FKFIC-L@LISTS.PSU.EDU Disclaimers etc.: Based on the characters from Forever Knight. I do not own them. This story is the continuation of "Turn Around." Permission given to Stephanie K to archive at the current FTP site. Anyone else, contact me off list. Enjoy! ====================================================== Natalie slowly returned to consciousness and realized she was cold yet somehow cocooned in warmth and comfort. As her eyes opened, she realized she was at Nick’s loft. As the events of the previous night came back to her she turned her head and realized her cheek was pillowed on Nick’s chest and she smiled to herself. As she stirred, she felt Nick’s arms automatically tighten around her in an effort to bring her closer to his cold still form. She realized that he was still asleep and acting reflexively. Somehow, that knowledge made her feel even more deeply loved and protected. She snuggled against the silk of his shirt for another few minutes before she felt the chill of her own body, and realized that she was cold; Nick was not reflecting any of her body heat back to her but absorbing it. She reluctantly extricated herself from Nick’s embrace and sat up to retrieve the warm throw that was perched on the back of the sofa. She wrapped herself in it before resettling herself ! on Nick’s chest and drifting back asleep. A few hours later, Nick finally stirred. He felt a warm weight along the length of his body, and heard Natalie’s heartbeat thundering in his ears, and when he finally came fully awake, he realized that the warm weight WAS Natalie and the events of the previous night came rushing back into his suddenly alert brain. His blue eyes popped open and he felt his arms convulsively tighten around Natalie. She snuggled closer to his chest and murmured something in her sleep, but she did not seem upset. He looked down at her crown of hair spilling across his shoulders and smiled in relief and quiet joy. Nick’s internal clock told him it was just after 2 PM. The sun was still high in the early spring sky. Although partly restless, he had no wish to disturb Natalie, so he started thinking, realizing that there was a complete change in the dynamics of his life that had occurred last night. He also realized that LaCroix would be aware of the raging emotions that he had felt last night. He had not even tried to control the torrent of feelings he had experienced, and LaCroix would no doubt be paying him a call this evening. He needed to talk to Natalie. It was time for him to tell her about what had happened the previous year on Valentine’s Day, to unblock her memory. He mentally cringed at the idea, but knew it was necessary. Reluctantly, he realized it was time to wake his sleeping love up. He kissed her hair and softly called to her. “Nat? Natalie, love, I need you to wake up”. She muzzily moved against him and he heard her moan “no”. He smiled. “Nat, come on, wake up.” He started gently shaking her and running his fingers through her hair. Finally, she started stirring. “Grrrr.” As she awoke a second time, Natalie realized where she was and that she was laying on Nick’s chest. She lifted her head and groggily looked up into his amused face. “Nick? What’s wrong? What time is it?” “Morning, sleepyhead. It’s just after 2:30 in the afternoon. Nothing is wrong right now, but we have a lot we need to talk about before sundown. I’m expecting a visit from LaCroix and you and I need to discuss our options before he gets here, and I have some things to tell you that you aren’t going to like.” Nick’s voice became a bit gruff on the last statement. Natalie sat up and shook her head in an effort to dispel her grogginess. “Let me wake up first. I need coffee.” Nick grinned at her statement. He kissed her on the temple and then gracefully got up and walked over to the kitchen and reached under one of the counters and emerged with a coffee pot. He turned to her with a huge smile on his face. “Nick! A coffee pot! Please tell me you have some coffee and creamer here?” Natalie asked in delighted surprise. Nick wordlessly walked over to the freezer and brought out a tin of coffee. He opened the same cabinet he had pulled the coffee maker from and brought out a container of powdered creamer. Natalie grinned and got up and stretched, then padded over to the kitchen, still trailing the throw she had wrapped around herself earlier. She walked up to Nick and gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek as she gently pushed him out of the way, figuring an 800 year old vampire had no practical experience with making coffee. He good naturedly got out of the way, recognizing a woman on a mission. He walked around to the other side of the counter to watch Natalie start her morning ambrosia. Natalie contentedly made herself coffee, then looked up and realized Nick was watching her with a besotted look on his face. “Nick, what’s that grin for?” she asked him. “I guess I’m just amazed at the ‘rightness’ of having you here, doing such a mundane thing as making coffee. I’m afraid I’m going to wake up and find that this has all been a wonderful dream.” He held her eyes with a hope shining in them that her own smile echoed. “Nope, I’m here, and you’re stuck with me.” She grimaced, “even if I probably look like something the proverbial cat dragged in. Geez, I need a shower and some fresh clothes.” Nick crossed back around and put his arms around her and kissed her gently. “You look beautiful. You always have and always will, my love”. Natalie sighed in contentment and leaned into his chest. “Nick, do you have ANY idea about how much I’ve dreamed of …this? Us?” “No more than me. But we have a lot we need to work out and plan. This is not going to be easy for us.” Nick’s response was tempered by a kiss to her crown. He changed the subject in an effort to collect his own thoughts. “If you want to take a shower, let me get you some clean clothes…not that you don’t look quite stunning in that outfit” he grinned as he pulled back from her to admire the black velvet dress she still wore. She playfully punched at him. “Nick!” Then she laughed. “I guess I should be grateful you like me mussed, rumpled, and generally unkempt.” He looked down at her, his deep blue eyes shining. “Natalie, I truly like you as a person and love you no matter what you look like. I’ve waited centuries to find you, and I can almost believe this existence of mine has been worthwhile just for this moment.” He leaned down and tenderly kissed her, trying to put into that gesture all the feelings he was experiencing. He pulled away before the kiss could become passionate and lead to the vampire in him trying to possess his love. “Go take a shower. I’ll order some food for you. Any preferences?” His mischievous grin followed his words. “Kung Pao chicken from Chungs would be great. Extra rice!” Natalie’s enthusiasm made Nick laugh again. “Come on, let’s go find you some clean clothes to wear and a nice big fluffy towel.” He took her hand and led her up to the bedroom. Natalie gazed longingly at the king sized bed and thought wistfully to herself of things she would rather be doing, WITH Nick. She realized that there were questions she needed to ask and tried filing them away for later when they were both fresher and Nick was ready to talk. Nick walked over to the closet and opened it. It was a huge walk-in closet, with drawers and hanging racks on both sides. He went to one of the drawers and opened it, pulling out blue sweatpants and a baggy gray sweatshirt. He turned around and held them out to her. “This is about all I have that will fit you right now. Is this ok for you?” His face had a somewhat sheepish expression on it. “Nick, it’s fine. Do you possibly have some socks I can wear? It’s cold downstairs.” Natalie’s voice was teasing. He grinned and pulled out a pair of socks and put them on top of the pile. They then turned around and went into the bathroom, where Nick placed the clothes on the counter. Natalie looked eagerly at the huge glass shower stall, which had multiple showerheads. It was going to be a fantastically hedonistic experience. Nick opened the linen closet behind the door and pulled out a huge blue bathsheet and placed it on the counter, within easy reach from the shower. He turned to her and leaned down to kiss her cheek. “I’ll order your food…take your time. Enjoy.” He smiled and went out the door, leaving Natalie to indulge in her hedonistic fantasy. --------------------------------- Do you Yahoo!? The New Yahoo! Shopping - with improved product search Subject: Honesty Part 2/3 Date: Tue, 7 Oct 2003 12:00:38 -0700 From: K M Fife To: FKFIC-L@LISTS.PSU.EDU Nick went downstairs and pulled a phone book out of the credenza the phone sat on, and dialed the number for Chung’s. He ordered Nat’s lunch and then went to the refrigerator to open his own morning repast. He opened the bottle of cow’s blood and poured himself a generous glass, then went to the dining table and sat down, deep in thought. He knew that telling Natalie about the night at the Azure was not going to be pleasant, but his resolve from the previous night to be honest with her was even stronger. He also knew that he needed to explain some very basic things to her about the vampire within him, and the issues that had led to his distancing himself from her for the last year. And the agreement with LaCroix. He sighed deeply and continued to lose himself in deep thoughts. Natalie finished dressing, feeling inestimably better for a shower and clean clothing. With coffee and food on the way, her world was steadily improving. She started humming under her breath as she ran her fingers through her wet hair in an effort to detangle the unruly mass. Finally giving up, she shrugged and left the bathroom to continue down to the lower level of the loft. The smell of coffee made her smile and her mouth watered. As she walked down the steps, the buzzer sounded. Her lunch, hopefully. Nick went to the intercom and pushed the buzzer while she walked over to the coffee pot, and poured herself a generous mug, stirred in some creamer, and then carefully took a sip. As the hot liquid slid down her throat, she smiled in satisfaction. Nick came into view at that moment carrying the familiar Chinese cartons. She eagerly put down her coffee and took the food from Nick and proceeded to prepare her meal. Nick watched her with an intensely interested look on his face. As she picked up her plate and mug and went to sit at the table, Nick followed her and sat down across from her, watching her eat while he continued to sip from his glass of blood. Neither one spoke until Natalie had finished her meal. “Nick, you don’t know what you’re missing with mortal food. It truly is one of life’s greatest pleasures.” Natalie stated. Nick smiled at her, then helped her take her dishes to the sink. She poured herself another cup of coffee, then they walked over to the sofa, and seated themselves. Natalie knew that Nick had some things he needed to tell her, and she remembered his words that she wasn’t going to like some of it. She reminded herself that they had acknowledged their feelings for one another, and that nothing could rip them apart now. Nick looked down at the coffee table for a few minutes, trying to marshal his words. “Nat, I know the last year has been really difficult on you, and I owe you an explanation. First of all, I need to tell you some more detail about the vampire part of me. You know more than most mortals have ever dreamed, and any that have the knowledge you possess are typically either killed or brought across. I’m not trying to scare you, but you need to know how serious this is. I’ve been able to shield you from a lot of the community because they have thought I’ve just been using you to pursue my quest, which most of them think is delusional, to say the least.” Nick looked into her eyes, hoping to convey to her the love he was feeling. “Vampires are NOT emotionless creatures, although it may seem that way from some of the things you’ve heard me say about LaCroix. We feel most emotions MORE strongly than mortals. A large gamut of emotions, mostly those of guilt and conscience, we ‘lose’ in our first century or so of existence. For some reason, I never did. I suppressed them for several hundred years, but in the last century and a half, they resurfaced. I’m not sure why, and some other time I’ll share with you the circumstances that brought it about.” He took a deep breath. “Vampires feel emotion more strongly than mortals in general, and because of the nature of our kind, we become excessively possessive of the beings around us. You’ve seen it with LaCroix and me, and I’ve told you a little bit about my past with Janette. When a vampire feels emotions strongly for a person, be it mortal or immortal, the beast in us demands that we possess and claim that person. With another vampire, it becomes a sharing of blood and other acts of…intimacy. With a mortal it becomes a bloodlust. The vampire surfaces and demands to OWN the other person. And, if the intellect of the PERSON isn’t able to control the vampire within, the end result is usually either death to the mortal or else he or she is brought across. Most masters are not quite as harsh as LaCroix, but every fledgling is tied to his or her master not only by bonds of blood but also by a very tight psychic bond. It is a two-way bond, but the master controls it for many hundreds of years, and is ab! le to influence the fledgling until the junior vampire learns self-control. A master vampire can usually feel whatever his fledgling feels if it is strong enough that the fledgling is so enmeshed in the feelings at the moment that he cannot shut the link down from his end.” Nick tried to read Natalie’s face as he paused, but couldn’t tell what was going on in her thoughts. He continued on. “This need for possession and dominance is why I’ve spent the last year putting a barrier between us. Every time I’m around you, the beast in me stirs and tries to take over. I’m constantly at war with myself, and filled with desire. The man in me desires to share every part of me with you, and the vampire in me desires to take all that you are and devour it.” Natalie’s expression had softened a bit as she finally realized, as much as she could without feeling it herself, the battle Nick had been fighting. “Last year, when I allowed myself to admit how much you meant to me and that I had come to love you deeply, it took me by shock. I already trusted you with so much of who I am, and felt in you a courage and depth that I have rarely known in all my life. The vampire in me has been constantly tearing at the bonds that I, the person, have put around it and tried to keep it controlled. Along with the regular stressors and bloodlust, I can smell you, hear your heartbeat, and I’ve actually started to feel emotions from you on a very basic level. All this has made any time that I spend alone with you more and more difficult. Not because I don’t want to be with you, but because I DO.” He stopped. “Do you have any questions about this so far?” “When you say LaCroix can feel anything that you feel if you aren’t able to shut it out, do you mean that he can feel your feelings for me in general?” Natalie asked hesitantly. “I’ve been able to keep my link with him pretty tightly focused most of the time. He may have gotten some indications but I generally believe, until last night, that he didn’t know the true extent of my feelings.” He paused. “I have something to tell you now that you are going to probably be very angry with me for, and rightfully so, but please keep in mind what I’ve just told you about LaCroix and please, don’t for one instant doubt that I’ve loved you and cherished you.” Natalie looked at him. “Nick, I do believe you. What can you have done that is so terrible?” --------------------------------- Do you Yahoo!? The New Yahoo! Shopping - with improved product search Subject: Honesty Part 3/3 Date: Tue, 7 Oct 2003 12:01:03 -0700 From: K M Fife To: FKFIC-L@LISTS.PSU.EDU Nick took a deep breath. “Last year on Valentine’s Day, you and I admitted how we felt about each other. LaCroix found out and lured you to a restaurant with the intent of killing you. I stopped him by lying about my feelings for you. I almost killed you myself in a bluff which luckily he didn’t detect.” Natalie’s brow furrowed. “Nick, that’s ridiculous. I remember Valentine’s Day last year. You came over and we watched a movie…I don’t recall what it was, but I remember I fell asleep and you left early.” Nick took a deep breath. “No, that’s the memory I planted in you after I brought you home. Nat, I took your memory away of that night. To save your life. It was the greatest breach of trust I could have betrayed, but it was the only way…I swear it. If you are willing, I’ll unblock your memory now. But please, remember that I was lying to LACROIX, not you.” His eyes were filling with blood tears. The confession was costing him more in guilt than he had reckoned. “You actually erased my memory? A memory of you telling me you loved me? Nick, how could you?” Natalie’s voice took on a note of infinite sadness with the last question. She looked away from him, and crystalline tears coursed down her cheeks. She brought her fist to her mouth to stifle the sob that was brought on by the realization that all the anguish she had felt over the last year was pointless. She sobbed for a few minutes, and Nick’s tears of guilt and remorse flowed silently down his own cheeks, leaving pale red rivulets like angry scars on his pale face. He didn’t say anything, knowing that Natalie had to assimilate this information for herself. Finally, after about 15 minutes, Natalie’s sobs slowly ceased. She shuddered and turned back to Nick. When she saw the blood tears on his own face, she moaned, realizing that Nick had carried the guilt of the incident engraved in his perfect memory every day since it occurred. She reached on hand up to his cheek and smiled tremulously. “Can you give me back the memories now?” She pleaded with him. Nick silently nodded. He got up and went to the kitchen to wash his face in the sink, silently praying a thanks to whatever angel or deity that was watching over them this day that Natalie was able to find generosity in her heart and forgiveness for the betrayal he had committed. When he returned, Natalie had also composed herself. “Nat, just so you know, along with the memory of me confessing my feelings for you, there are some very unpleasant memories. I just want you to be warned. And I DID love you then, please believe me.” She only nodded. He reached over and took her face gently in his hands and looked into her eyes. He felt her heartbeat enter his ears and being, and he growled. “Remember everything. Valentine’s Day…my card…flowers…Azure…LaCroix…” As Nick’s voice entered her mind, Natalie’s eyes closed and she remembered everything. As she relived the terror of Nick threatening her life, her heartbeat increased and her breathing sped up and she started taking ragged breaths, to the point of hyperventilation. Nick released her face and waited for her to experience the memories a second time, knowing that the experience would be as fresh as if it was happening that very moment. His heart ached, wanting to take the terror from her, but he knew that she had to accept this on her own terms. Natalie shook in terror and tears started streaming down her face as she relived Nick’s repudiation of their love, claiming he was using her affections to further his own ends. She felt his fangs grazing her neck and heard the blasé tone in LaCroix’s voice as he realized his quarry was not going to give him any satisfaction and the reminder that Nick still owed him a debt 800 years old. As she felt Nick take her home and erase and reinstill false memories, she sobbed in anguish even more so than just a few moments ago Finally, her heart and breath started to normalize. When she was able to calm herself down, she kept her eyes closed for several moments, trying to rein in her fury. Nick waited in silence, knowing that the next few moments might be the end of the fragile bond they had established. Watching the emotions play across her face, he knew when she had relived the memories and gotten to a place of anger. He waited for the storm. Natalie was a passionate woman, and she lived her emotions very strongly. He was fully prepared to bear the brunt of her anger, his only prayer being that she forgave him somehow. Natalie finally opened her eyes, and they were dark with emotion. She looked at him with a grim set to her mouth. She didn’t say anything but got up and paced over to the kitchen, her arms wrapped around herself. She was shaking, and Nick didn’t make any sound, just followed her with his eyes. Natalie picked up one of the glasses on the counter and hurled it against the wall with a shrill scream. It shattered and she picked up another and hurled it. Finally, after several minutes, she turned back to him. She walked back to him and stood in front of him, her anger still apparent in every line of her stance. “I swear to you, if you EVER do anything like that to me again, I will stake you myself. I don’t care what the reason is. I cannot believe that you took my memory away from me and made me live through that TWICE. It’s going to take me a long time to forgive you for that, Nick. I need to be able to trust you, and I’m not sure if I can.” Her words were spoken in a cold voice, and Nick had no doubt that she meant every word she said. The fact that she was still willing to talk to him at all was the one glimmer of hope he latched onto. “Nat, I know I can never make it up to you. Believe me when I tell you that I have agonized over this myself for the past year. There is nothing you can say to me that I haven’t already said to myself a million times over. And I know I deeply abused your trust. Sorry doesn’t begin to cover this…but it’s all I have. That and the fact that I am trying to be as honest with you as I can. If you want to walk away, I understand. I don’t blame you. And if you do, I swear to you that I will walk out of your life and never bother you again.” Nick looked at the floor when he promised to walk out of her life forever. He meant it. He would walk out of her life and into the sun… “You stupid, selfish, martyred vampire! That is your answer, isn’t it? Run away. Always try and sidestep the responsibility for your actions.” Natalie’s voice was heavy with sarcasm. Nick’s head snapped up at her words, shock written plainly on his face. “Nat, I…” he began. Natalie didn’t give him time to finish. “How can you say you love me, put me through THAT, and then threaten to leave me? This isn’t just your life we’re talking about, Nick. This is MY LIFE too. I swear you are the most perverse creature in the damned world! Has it crossed your mind that if you just take off that I will have NO protection from LaCroix and the Enforcers? I’d be dead before you left the city, you selfish creature. I’m assuming you don’t WANT me dead?” Nick’s look of anguish and horror was enough to quench the last of her anger. She flopped down next to him on the couch, perversely glad that she had gotten through to him with her “logic”. She closed her eyes. “Good god, Nick If we’re going to get through this we need to start thinking of EACH OTHER.” She opened her eyes and looked at him. She knew she had just added another ton of guilt to his already riddled soul, but she also knew that the cold hard truth was the only thing that was going to cut through his self-pity. She loved the man, but sometimes he wallowed so much in his own angst that she wanted to scream in frustration. She sighed. “You mentioned expecting a visit from LaCroix tonight. I assume this has to do with your link and the fact that you broke down last night?” She tried to be gentle, but she hoped she wasn’t pushing him over the edge. Nick’s head, which he had hung in shame, nodded into his chest. He didn’t dare look up at Natalie. “Nick, look at me.” She reached out and gently took his chin in her hand, then framed his face with both hands. She forced him to look at her, and the look on his face tore her heart in two. “Nick, I DO love you. We’ve been through a lot to make it this far, and I’m NOT letting you go. I won’t apologize for telling you the truth, but please don’t beat yourself up about it, at least not now.” Her voice was gentle. Nick still looked dumbfounded, so she put her arms around his shoulders and pulled him to her. Finally, HE broke down in sobs. Like a small child who has been punished, yet knowing he was wrong, he cried into her shoulder. Natalie knew the anguish in him needed an outlet, so she continued to hold him. She laid her cheek on his golden hair and let him sob out his pain and frustration. She fervently hoped all the emotional turmoil they were putting each other through wou! ld be cathartic and that they would be able to move on once they had said all the painful words that needed to be said between them. Twenty minutes later, Nick raised his head. He looked into her eyes and saw the truth of her words, and the last of his pain and guilt snapped in him and he felt himself flooded with a peace he hadn’t known in centuries. Natalie saw the easing of his emotions. She kissed him gently and laid her forehead against his own. She laughed raggedly. “Some pair we make, huh?” Nick laughed harshly as well, then grabbed her in a strong embrace. “I am a fool, I’ve BEEN a fool, and I truly don’t deserve you. Whatever good I did that brought you into my life, I will NEVER take you for granted, I swear it.” “You’d BETTER not or I’m going to kick your vampire ass.” Natalie promised to him smugly. Natalie looked at the clock. 4:45 PM. Less than an hour until sunset. She sighed. “Nick, you said we need to talk about LaCroix. If he really is going to be here as soon as the sun sets, we have less than an hour. What do you want me to do?” Nick looked at her. “He’s going to be very dangerous because he is going to realize that I’ve been lying to him the last year. Once he gets beyond that, he’s going to demand that I make good on the ‘agreement’ we made when he left my sister, Fleur. To his way of thinking I either need to kill you or bring you across. We need to buy time.” He paused. “Love, you need to disappear for a while. I know you aren’t going to like this, but I cannot think of anything else right now. If you won’t leave town, please try and switch to the day shift, and you need to go somewhere else to live.” As his suggestions came, Natalie’s chin started getting set in the stubborn streak he knew and loved so well. She started to protest, but he put a finger to her lips. “Nat, I’m trying to protect your LIFE. This isn’t a game, it isn’t something you can make a stand and fight for. I know you WOULD, but please, do this my way. I promise, it’s only until I can find something else, another solution that will make this whole nightmare end. I love you more than my own life, and I don’t want to lose you. Please?” The last was said with such a quiet and pleading dignity that Natalie finally nodded her head. “Thank you. Now, I need you to go stay somewhere. A hotel, a friend’s place, just SOMEWHERE else. Don’t tell me where for now. Take your cell and I’ll find you after I’ve met with LaCroix. Wherever you go, PAY CASH if you need to pay for a room. LaCroix can trace your actions if you use a credit card. Pack a bag and don’t go home. I’ll talk to Grace about taking care of Sidney. Will you do this?” Nick’s requests made her stomach do flip flops, but Natalie agreed. “Nick, I don’t LIKE this. I know you’re right, but I HATE feeling like a coward. And if he hurts you, so help me God, I’ll push him into a bath of Holy Water!” Nick smiled at the fire in her voice. He kissed her gently. “I’ll call you after this is over. I’m just glad it’s both of our nights off again!” They gathered up her things, and Natalie got ready to leave. As he walked her to the lift they embraced and kissed one more time. At the same time, both said “I love you”. They smiled as Natalie walked out the door. --------------------------------- Do you Yahoo!? The New Yahoo! Shopping - with improved product search