Date: Mon, 13 Jun 1994 12:27:19 EDT To Each Hiss Own by Lisa McDavid "Look," said Stonetree, heavily patient, "put down the snake and we'll talk." He ignored the strangled yelp behind him, as well as the ominous creak. If Schanke wanted to jump on top of a bookcase which couldn't possibly hold his weight, that was Schanke's problem, just as putting everything back the way he found it was going to be. At the moment Stonetree had other priorities. He reiterated, "Put the snake *down*." "I'll put it down his !@#$%^& throat!" Nick yelled. He brandished the hissing serpent at his partner. The snake came within inches of the captain's face. Stonetree glared at it. The creature stiffened momentarily, then twisted away. The bookcase creaked again as Schanke wedged himself against the wall. "Knight, for Pete's sake, it wasn't me." Stonetree crossed his arms. "Knight, that's an order. Put the snake down now!" "Oh, sure," Nick said, still holding the snake aloft. "Just put the Greater Sicilian Ianthine Viper down on the floor. It's only poisonous enough to kill cobras and fer de lances -- which it did when the one in the Chicago Zoo got loose." He giggled, a high-pitched whinny that for some reason reminded Stonetree of watching Saturday morning television with his son. Nick added. "Maybe it'll take care of Schanke. It *likes* to climb." "Knight, please, it wasn't me! I don't even *know* how that thing got into your car. Jenny's science project was a little garter snake." The abused bookcase produced a sinister crack. Schanke froze in place. "For God's sake, Knight, you don't think I'd let a thing like that, that whatever you said it was near my kid, do you?" "You didn't let it near Jenny," Nick told him. "You let it get into my car." At least, thought Stonetree, this time he didn't wave snake around. While Nick's attention was on his partner, Stonetree mouthed at Norma "Go call the zoo." To Nick he said, "Knight, no doubt you and Schanke talk in code all the time, but you're way beyond me. What does Jenny's science project have to do with this?" "He came to me with a sob story about his car blowing a gasket and Jenny's got to get her "Our Misunderstood Friend the Snake" project to the All-Ontario Science Fair or she won't have a chance at the nationals. So I let him take my keys. The next thing I know, I'm getting in my car after my shift, and the viper rears up from under my seat and tries to bite me. If I hadn't grabbed it, I'd be in the morgue." Nick finished silently. The Greater Sicilian Ianthine Viper was the one hazard to vampires which didn't appear in the standard lists. He hadn't mentioned that the one which had escaped in Chicago had done so during a fight between the vampire night reptile keeper and a would-be van Helsing. The van Helsing had survived, mostly because quick reflexes had allowed him to escape into the iguana exhibit. The keeper had perished within seconds. "And you think Schanke somehow got Jenny's science project mixed up with this Scilian whatever?" Stonetree was carefully reasonable. "I think there never was a project," said Nick. "Captain, didn't you see the day shift report on that animal dealer they picked up for heroine smuggling? The evidence room's like a zoo as it is, and half of it's snakes. Or if you haven't seen the report, don't you know what day it is? Schanke's been spoiling for revenge ever since Nat rigged that hamburger last April Fool's so it came apart in his hands and spilled worms all over him." "That was Nat?" Schanke asked incredulously from his perch. "Why'd you let me think it was you?" Nick ignored him. "I think my rocket scientist partner decided it would be funny to put one of the dealer's snakes in my car. Just because I jumped a little when that stripper Vice brought in drunk and disorderly last week draped her python around my neck." He had, in fact, vaulted out of his chair. A snake feels much the same as a vampire to the touch. He had been remembering at the time, and his first thought had been that Janette had carried out her threat to visit him at work. "Don, cut out the clowning! I've had enough of sitting in the garage waiting for you." Myra Schanke strode into the ofice before anyone could stop her. "Besides, Jenny's got to go to school tomorrow, and she's determined not to go sleep until you get home so she can show off her blue ribbon from the science fair." Schanke's response was an anguished, "Myra, don't!" which crossed with a cheerful, "Oh, good, you found him. Thanks, Nick!" as Natalie Lambert appeared in Myra's wake. Nat had reached up and taken the snake out of Nick's hands before anyone could react. "Not that I can blame him for slithering out and hiding," she added, stuffing the hissing serpent into a gym bag and fastening the zipper with a miniature padlock. "Talk about absent-minded professors; they're a zoo on their own in biology at U of T. Nobody thought to tell me that George can push zippers open if you don't lock them." "George?" said everyone but the Schankes simultaneously. Their argument continued as Myra herded her spouse back to his desk. "George," Natalie confirmed. "It just seems to suit him. Poor fellow, of course he wasn't happy after I took that plaster cast of his tummy to prove he was the weapon. But where did you find him, Nick?" Nick had sunk into the nearest chair. He was pale even for a vampire. "In my car," he answered automatically. The bag bulged as George looked for an exit. "Nat, do you *know* what George is?" "A very fine example of the Greater Sicilian Ianthine Viper," said Natalie. "Of course, Dr. Wagnalls says he'd be finer if he had his fangs, but then Madame Aurelia couldn't have used him as a prop in her con routine and her mark couldn't have had that heart attack. It was George. The scale pattern proves it." She stood up. "Look, Nick, I hate to bother you again, but can you run me by the university on your way home tonight, too? My car's still in the shop." ************************************************************************* Stonetree looked over his shoulder. Good, the last of his own men had just pulled out of the parking garage. He dialed a number on his car phone, listened for the end of the message, then began his own. "Chief, I've come to a decision about those transfer recommendations you wanted ...."